I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
