The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
