Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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