Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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