so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
