Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
