Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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