Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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