and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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