hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
