Kiss
Puke
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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