I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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