I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
