And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Randomize
