i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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