3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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