"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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