So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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