I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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