Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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