Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
