Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
