dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
