He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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