i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
