you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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