I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
