I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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