I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Randomize
