remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just forgot I was standing up.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
