I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
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