its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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