Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
