I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
