How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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