she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
cat food counts as protein by the way
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
