I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
You are a genius and a whore.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
