seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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