Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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