Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
