the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
