Your face is a jimmy john
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
