2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
