The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
