This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
