the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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