My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
There's even glitter on my cock...
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