PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
