I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
