we made out on top of his cat.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
