Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize