DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
