already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
She even gives head with a lisp.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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