A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
