It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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