I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
dude i'm inner monologue high
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
