JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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