my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
