just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
