this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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