look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
