Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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