You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize