Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
