you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
