i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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